by Nancy Linenkugel
Contributor
“You know it’s been such a struggle to visit my mom these past few months,” my friend Sally shares.” I come dutifully from New Jersey to Ohio every month for a weekend visit. While I love being with and seeing mom, I hate what the devastating Alzheimer’s disease is doing to her.”
“Yes, that’s so difficult,” I sympathize.
“But guess what? I’ve had an epiphany, thanks to my would-be estranged sister. She’s an occupational therapist and is soaring along in her wonderful career. She visits Mom, too, on a separate schedule, and doesn’t seem to have all the angst I carry. My sister and I have rarely agreed on anything our entire lives, but for once I see that she’s right. Her outlook about mom is very simple: What are your expectations? Whatever they are, lower them.”
So Sally and I talk about that more.
“I’ve stopped asking Mom when I get to the care facility each month to visit her, ‘Do you know who I am?’ No, of course she doesn’t know me anymore. Why was I even asking that? It would just get me all the more upset. So what I do instead is not ask her any questions since she’s no longer able to converse. I just go to her, smile, touch her, give her kisses and hugs, and savor any fleeting moments of recognition in her eyes.”
This approach works, Sally tells me, as she can return home at the end of each visit with a totally improved outlook. Sally has accepted the disease progression. She has accepted the limited and declining abilities her mother exhibits. And Sally sees the value of lowering expectations in order to set up success for the realities that will occur.
Isn’t there something un-American in that? After all, “American” ends in “I can.” We can do anything we put our minds to, can’t we? Reaching for the stars is expected. Whoever heard of lowering expectations just to get through a situation? Sally has a different take and it works.
[Sr. Nancy Linenkugel is a Sylvania Franciscan sister and chair of the department of Health Services Administration at Xavier University, Cincinnati Ohio.]