NCR columnist Michael Sean Winters is pictured with his St. Bernard, Damiana. (Courtesy of Michael Sean Winters)
I am declaring victory in the presidential race.
Not for me, but for my St. Bernard, Damiana.
She saw that Donald Trump intends to claim victory tonight, even though votes remain to be counted.
Damiana plans to appeal to Republican-controlled state legislatures to award her their states' electoral votes. Trump and his cronies want these state legislators to show the courage former Vice President Mike Pence lacked four years ago, the courage to run roughshod over constitutional norms.
To which, Damiana asks: If he can do it, why can't she? She knows that her daddy is very fond of constitutional norms, but she would show a burglar where the Waterford crystal is if the thief gave her a Milk-Bone.
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Damiana was not aware that you could bypass the campaigning, the fundraising, actually winning the most votes, and go directly to the state legislatures. But now she is all in.
Like Trump, she thinks the U.S. Constitution is murky about how presidents get elected. Like Trump, she knows there are pesky statutory requirements about selecting the Electoral College, but statutory is such a big word, and so difficult to say, especially when you are gnawing on a chew toy. Go ahead, try and say it three times fast.
If successful in her bid, Damiana promises to support bipartisan legislation to make belly rubs mandatory. She wants to increase wages for those who work at dog parks and doggie day care. In the interests of tolerance, she does not favor banning cats. But she thinks they should make themselves scarce at the White House once she moves in. She vows to pardon anyone caught running afoul of the law in this effort to secure her presidency. And Damiana promises to bite Trump in the behind if he tries and steals this election from her.
Editor's note: "Cry Pax! A column without rules," was a long-running National Catholic Reporter column of parodies, wit, satire, whimsy, comedy and sarcasm curated by Robert G. Hoyt in the 1960s. Michael Sean Winters has written our first parody. NCR is contemplating asking all staff members to contribute to this column — if they can stand it. This is our first sample.
